|
[10 Jun 2006|10:18pm] |
|
Its a scary thought to have, knowing that in less than 3 weeks high school will be over and the real world will take our innocent new faces and smear them with all the black tarnish out there. All i can feel is this incredibly strong emotion that is rather hard to explain, its a combination of fear and excitement mixed with heartbreak and lust. It terrifies me to know that in less than 3 weeks i will be tossed out into reality alone and unprepared.
For the past 17 years all ive known is school and friends, and now for the first time in my life i will live with niether by my side. That thought terrifies me. In the past 4 years alone, i have made some of the greatest friends. And so many memories that i could never forget. For the past few days its been in the back of my mind that i should be thinking about how highschool and friends have shaped me in these 4 years. And to be honest, i cant figure it out. But what i know, is that everytime i look at notes and pictures ive kept this overwhelming joy fills me inside and i get the biggest smile, because i have made the greatest friends that anyone could possibly ask for. And i have so many wonderful memories that i will cherish.
When i first went to North Toronto in grade 9 i was scared shitless, i felt too young and self conscious to be entering high school and nervous because i only knew 3 people. Zi-ann, Nevins and Ariel. And the first year was hard for me to adapt to. But i met friends, karen in art, ashley and claire in strings and jana and michelle too, and then with the year came more great friends, Gravey, Teesha, Archie, Jelena and so many more. And even though our group had problems, the first 2 years of highschool went by. Then i found out i was moving and i was pissed. And so we moved, and the very first day of school at Donald A. Wilson i met Natalie. I never even thought that her and i would see eachother again, but it turned out that fate would not have it that way, she and i had every single class together but one and its been that was for the past 2 years in each semester. And then throughout various classes i made more friends. Iman, lol when i met her she seemed like a stuck up bitch and she thought natalie and i were retarded. But we got to know eachother and we became so close. Amy and Lauren, Dim Sum and Jackie Chan, Leandra and even people that arent friends but i talk to at school.
Everyone just made such a difference in my life, and the number of people that have been there for me over the years, i cant even tell you how much thats meant to me. I never even imagined that by the end of grade 12 i would have the number of unbelievably gracious friends that i have. And despite all the bad, and which there is lots of, one single great memory wipes out half of the bad, and i have a lot of perfect memories. But im going to stop my rambling and sum up with a few words, i hope that life on my own is still filled with you all and thank yo guys for sticking it out with me, i know im crazy and whinny but i do love you guys so much and i really mean it. Words couldnt even articulate what i want to say. Thanks.
|
|
|
[10 Jun 2006|10:34am] |
Last night was my prom,
I must say i am not surprised but reece and i faught and my night was spoiled. But i tried to put it past me and enjoy myself. I wish that i could have gone somewhere after prom but i my mom told me i couldnt go to the hotel party my friend was having and then when she asked me today why i seem bummed about it i said because i wanted to go somewhere and shes like well you couldve gone to the hotel place and i was like, well thanks for telling me know. Hmm, i took pictures and now im really eager to get them developed and put them into a scrap book. The thing i didnt like about prom was all the ceremonies, we had voted on people and categories and its so typical of my school or any school for that matter to have all the popular kids win... whatever. The food was great and i ate everyones chocolates. All i can say is that my firends looked great and i hope everyone is having fun camping, i get to stay home and pack :P. Anyways, i hope to see toronto people soon and now i have to study my ass off and finish ISUs. Good Luck everyone.
Love
|
|
|
[03 Jun 2006|11:01pm] |
Wow, last night was NT prom.
That was definetly an expierence in life i wont forget. Although the later half of my night went to shit, the first half was incredible. Everyone i saw, so many people and everyone looked stunning i am still in shock. But honestly i missed everyone so much, and i didnt even realize until i saw people. The one thing i couldnt believe is how mature everyone got, i mean looks wise and personality wise too. You all grew up so fast without me! lol oh man, here come the tears, you guys dont know how lucky you are to be in the same town as eachother. And everything is going to change in september and even the summer, we are all going to go to college and university. I cant believe that we are actually done high school, i remember when we all started just being friends, and how young we all looked, and then i saw everyone last night and you all looked so grown up. Im so sad because i dont want to loose you all when we go to differnt towns and schools. You all have effected my life so much and mean more than anything i could ever say in words. Not to mention the countless times you have all given your shoulder to cry on! I hope that when im older and i have my own job and start my life, that you guys will be a huge part of it and we can look back on our memories of this night and others throughout the 4 years and still be as happy as we are today. I hope that the rest of your year goes well for you guys, and no matter how many roads are in between us, i love you guys soo much and i hope you dont forget me.
Caitlin :)
|
|
| A word for a thought |
[29 Jan 2006|09:58pm] |
|
Lost Love
Will time be kind, and give to us?
Will hearts be true and fair?
Will tender eyes meet and cry?
Will the love I have for you ever die?
Your kiss, but a taste of heaven.
Your touch, but prick of sin.
Your words, but a song to my ears.
That my lips could never sing.
A heartfelt cry,
My love has died,
For you have broke my heart.
A deadly kiss,
To another miss,
Has torn my dream apart.
My king no more,
Out the door,
Must our lost love go.
A single tear,
Will only fear,
Your hearts empty home.
-Caitlin
|
|
| fake roses |
[26 Dec 2005|07:40pm] |
|
Im I need some help, I need someone to see, to see here. Kiian is seeing a shrink and he doenst seem to think his tempertatrums are bad... how!? how!? I I I I dont, I dont, I dont understand, I get so mad that I want to smash his head into the wall, or mine... I cant deal with it. HE GETS AWAY WITH THIS FUCKING SHIT! I CANT TAKE IT! I am tired of crying from frusteration!!!!! I CANT EVEN HAVE MY OWN FUCKING SPACE! Kiians FUCKING SMELLY FARTING FRIENDS HAVE TO SLEEP OVER TOMORROW IN MY FUCKING ROOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I FUCKING HATE YOU I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I FUCKING MOVED FROM TORONTO WHERE I DIDNT HAVE ANY SPACE TO HERE WHERE I HAVE NO FUCKING ONE AND NO FUCKING SPACE! I FUCKING HATE YOU I FUCKING HATE YOU! HATE YOU! FUCKER! I HATE YOU!!!!!!
|
|
| red ears |
[15 Nov 2005|08:49pm] |
|
I am at my sinking point. I have lost all hope, all love all soul. I cant take it! Please. My eyes burn from tears, my heart hurts from too many fights. I dont know what you want me to do! Stop. Please. I cant breathe. I just want to sleep and never wake up. My head is pounding. My neck is throbing with pain. My face is beat red and my ears are on fire. My eyes are blood shot and wet. My nose is itchy from tears. Im so lost I could drown in my tear drops. If only I was worth it. If only I was better. Than I could save us.
|
|
| my hump, my lovely lady lumps |
[09 Nov 2005|07:19pm] |
|
Saturday night i got into a car accident with lauren and chantelle. Long story short, to avoid hitting a car that was going twice as fast as us my friend pulled her wheel to the right and we spun around, a 360 and that was the worst feeling ever. And then we landed in a ditch. Somehow we walked away, no bruises nothing, expect for being very sore the next day and neck pains. Total damage 4 grand, 160 dollar tow-truck fee, and a 110 dollar ticket. Not bad considering.
What else is going on, besides the fact that i am extremely stressed out because of school and the lack of people i trust out here. (amy, lauren, nat u guys are gd) So i started thinking, next year, when we all go away to differnt schools and make new lives, that will be it. I wont talk to a lot of people again. That thought distrubs me a little. Honestly what is the chanes of staying friends when we are in college or university. We'll all be studying our asses off and making new friends, sure we may remember eachother but we wont be friends. I dont like that. Maybe thats why parents always tell us, "stay in high school your whole life" not only because dispite the amount of stress its no where near as bad as being old and alone.
Um, I want to see that new Jarhead movie really badly, and not just because it has a whole bucnh of army men! lol but it looks really interesting. Oh and i got a job for those of you who dont know, i am now a price chopper crew. A casheir. Well, at least its better than smelling like pizza grease. Actually its funny, the two job (tim hortons an price chopper) both offered me the job, but i said no to tim hortons. EW
|
|
| rich text |
[29 Oct 2005|06:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indifferent |
] |
It's hard to describe really how i feel right now. Last night i wasnt feeling that well, so i stayed in and slept. Not a great sleep, but a sleep none the less. This morning i awoke to go to a therapist, or whatever they are called. For some reason i felt a little emotional during my "session". But i refused to let anything show. As usual, my mother and I argued over school and then somehow it turned into me wasting my time with friends, (even though I don't because i only spend my time with reece, which is why my friends are mad at me) and she brought up toronto people. Wasted the day doing shitty erans with my mother, of course i had no choice and was grumpy (not exactly strong enough word) because i hadnt had a shower or put makeup on. Came home, watched movies, for a long time, came downstairs intending to clean my room, instead went on msn. Talked to some people, and realized how much i miss toronto. How much I miss so many people. How much i hate it here. How much i hate myself.
I want to cry, but i cant, nothing comes out. I feel hurt, but i cant let it go. I want to go home. I hate how people are two faced, how one minute they are your friends, and you go out and party and then the next minute your too much of a loser for them to waste their time with you. I hate how i became that. I got so carried away with reece, and spending time with him that i let everyone else go. I feel useless. I realized that everyone i know in the city is just that now, people i know. Its not because we dont want to stay friends, its that we cant. No one has time to call me, or come down to see me when ever they miss me, nor do i. I dont have the money either. All i can do is move on. And maybe someday if there is such a thing as fate or destiny, i can hope that they will cross my path and rekindle some sort of a friendship. But im not keeping my hopes up. I have to learn that life is about one person. Everyone is living their own life, and i should too. I may not be very optimistic and i might even be pessimistic, but in the end im not trying to commit suicide or even be depressed, im just trying to be independant. And not so dependant on fairytale stories, like love and forever. The only fairytale i can have is in my dreams.
|
|
| head over heels in a bloody puddle |
[11 Sep 2005|07:44pm] |
|
Summer
has come and gone.
all i do is work, and somehow i dont get much money. i get bitched at from my mother because of my hours we have to have kiian babysat and neither one of us can afford that, but she nagged and nagged that i get a job. well now i have one....it seems better that i just quit.
Love
reece is everything i want. hes perfect. and i love him dearly. if i lost him. well. thats not fair. i dont want another peter. and its looking like its going to end up that way. i cried last nite, like bawled my eyes out to him because i didnt want to loose him. i mean yeah i am on my rag and im more emotional. but he likes this other girl and im scared ill loose him. i just dont understand why i fall inlove so hard. and dont get to keep it.
Friends
honestly i feel like i have three. you guys dont call. you dont come to see me. and ive come down a few times. its harder for me than you think. it would be nice if you came to see me. its been a year since you guys have vistited.
Hair
is cut and short. thats all i have to say.
Final note
i feel very sad, very on edge. and very unloved. all i do is cry. i juss miss my baby. :( </3
|
|
| a hand is a lyric, as eyes are a tale. |
[18 Aug 2005|08:24pm] |
|
Cold hands
My mouth cannot speak,
For my soul is much too weak.
My heart can only tell a lie,
For my eyes have much to cry.
My hands are now cold,
Like my love which is growing old.
My kiss taste bitter,
As your words turn to litter.
Nothing makes me smile,
Because i know your gone for a long while.
|
|
| poems poems the magickal word, poems poems the ones you never herd! |
[18 Aug 2005|08:22pm] |
|
The Graveyard Robber
I dug a hole in the ground,
So that if ever I looked, there it would be found.
A place so far from the part.
You would never see that here lies my heart.
For you’re a man tricks,
And your needs never satisfy with one chick.
Your deep blue eyes,
Never told me anything but lies.
Your voice both soft and stern,
Made everyone’s head turn.
Now you’re gone,
As time moves on.
As for me you can see,
Your love was never easy.
|
|
| a dable of words |
[15 Aug 2005|12:32pm] |
|
The Price of Nature
Is it rain or is it snow,
that keeps me feeling sad and low,
that dangle me from the river below,
before my eyes rapid tides grow.
With a blink of my eye,
my adrenaline runs high.
my hope shines in the sky,
but to myself nothing but lies,
that hold me back to fly.
So in this time i lay still,
like a robin perched on a sill,
reminiscing of my hearts past fill,
of love that i cannot get from a pill,
now all i have left is my bill.
|
|
| seasonal love |
[11 Aug 2005|07:43pm] |
|
Seasonal Love
In Fall,
leaves crawl siftly to the ground,
big ones, small ones, lots the colour brown.
though none compare to the colour of my heart,
even the deepest auburn could never take the part.
In Winter,
love lodges in me like a splinter,
from the crackle of a fire place,
to the warming of a lovers face.
with ever falling flake out shines nature's grace.
In Spring,
love sings from the cooing of a dove,
flowers bloom while ladies swoon,
with dreams under the sky-lit moon.
light showers show the hours of a gentle kiss.
In Summer,
bugs buzzer in and out of love
catch a wish in a glove,
and send it out to space.
where golden rays take the place,
of glowing love in eyes of grace.
With every passing year,
it always becomes clear,
that love is always here.
|
|
| mistified |
[09 Aug 2005|05:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 stressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
let down--> bif naked |
] |
this week has felt like a month.
so many things are overwhelming to say the least. plus it seems like no matter what good there is its also bad. like i got a job at pizza nova being a front girl. i started training today. its a lot to process but whatever. so this is bad because it conflicts with kiians daycamp and me picking him up and babysitting. so now i have to get a babysitter for him which i have to pay for because my mother is bitching about it. and i failed math again so i have to go to summer school but i couldnt go first semester because it conflicted with kiian yet again, so when i went to go get my report card my guidance teacher signed me up for second semester its only two weeks which is fucking good for summer school ya know? but of course again it conflicts with kiian and now the fact that i have a job!! but my manager boss type thing is really great hes nice and so didnt have a problem with me going to summer school but my mother is making a huge deal, shes taking a week off work and im like look you want it your way ill just fuck up my sheduale for next year and take the fucking course because your going to be grumpy and shit plus she has to drove and pick me up because they dont have transportation. urgh. besides the fact that we have been at each others throats so much lately this is more added pressure. i havent seen natalie in fucking ever. i feel so weird. kind of like i lost my other half... i havent seen city friends, no one calls, no one writes. whatever. i have a migrain and im stressed out. on the positive side ive been hanging out with amy a lot weve gotten closer and we made this pact of loosing weight lol which of course i didnt even stick to the first day. i eat shit and do nothing. but whatever. reece bought me a gold ring with a heart and a diamond. its sweet. hes great. i also bought a night at the roxbury who doesnt love that movie. and no stores sell gia. thats messed. okay well that oretty much wraps it up. not that people are really going to read this. these things are basically for yourself to say what you need to. and im hungry. oh yeah and ive been having eye problems lately amy thinks that its because since im on the pill hormones are up and im stressed so its affecting them, but i probably need glasses. money is another thing i have to start buying everything for myself as soon as i get paid. that incluudes diorderent, conditioner shampoo, that kind of stuff and possibly food... dont you just love my mother...
|
|
| poison would tell a sweeter tale |
[04 Jul 2005|05:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 dead |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
let down --> bif naked |
] |
when all other tears are cried i am left with this.
a lost head and a broken heart;
would i write a letter by which no one will answer.
would i write a dairy that would not be read.
would i speak in words which no one would reply to.
my faith is gone as is my will.
all i have is disaster.
a demon of temper who always gets his way.
a demon of motherhood who constantly quarels with me
and slowly kills my heart and soul day by day.
I cant do it anymore.
all i ever do is repeat myself.
its the same old tale, with the same old ending because im
to much of a coward to die out.
|
|
| of course when something goes good, the rest of my world crashes down |
[01 Jul 2005|11:20am] |
where to start.
so gay pride great, got in shit for going due to transportation arangements....
basically a lack of communication which landed me in shit and my mother being the grand bitch she is, constinues to hold that agansist me...
and then, i wanted to get out of the house one night and she wouldnt drive me to reeces, so i said fine ill walk. i started walking to whitby which is like a 2 hr walk with no sidewalks. anyways. then i saw amy and she drove me half way so i only had to walk for like......45 ish minutes in hot heat. whatever i got to his house and he wasnt there... it turned out he rode his bike to brooklin and back looking for me ( aww ). yeah so then we went inside and im like yo im so having a shower... ;) lol anyways, he came in to give me towels and he brought out a ring. its 10k gold with a tiny diamond in this heart... aw. so thats the good part. but than the bad part happend yesterday. so reece came over and we kinda had sex. ( which was really good even tho you dont want to know ) so anyways then i went babysitting and about... 8sih my mother calls the place and shes like, Caitlin who was over here today, im like reece.. and shes like can you explain why theres a condom wraper on my bed! i was like shit... so now im avoiding her and i want to get out of this house really soon.. it was kind of funny because after that she was like, caitlin are you having sex with reece? lol i didnt say a word. then shes like well ovbiously!
urgh so to top that off my granmother is over...and i think she told her.....im juss kinda hiding out in my basement...:s
|
|
| shake it baby! |
[27 Jun 2005|06:28pm] |
|
gay pride is my favorite event!
its like christmas to me, i get gifts such as condoms and lube, and see great deeds being done. the gays!
aw how i miss it already, its such a shame it only comes once a year.
i love it when the old ugly men walk around naked, lol and with the leather straps n whips *snap* how exciting ;)
aw bubi. now you know what i crave all year long.
such a blast... if only they werent gay :( i woulda had that stud muffin in the polar ice float. Dayum did u see the way he moved his thing * raises an eyebrow*
lol and member when i shared my orgasism wit u, oh. the men in booty shorts.
and the makeuo! fab-u-los! oh my god, i cant wait to be a makeup artist ...and maybe work at gay pride... drool.
til next year!
|
|
| behind these hazel eyes |
[18 Jun 2005|08:34pm] |
theres been a tear in my heart for quite some time. its funny how love puts up a grand illusion, that makes you think you have everything when really you have only that illusion. my heart yearns for something i never had. as it always has. since i was a kid i wished everynight before i went to bed, for my dad to come back and want me. i wished every night for years. i cried myself to sleep for years. until one day i realized that i never had anything to cry over to begin with. then i found peter and fell inlove. harder than id ever thought possible. then when he left me and i died. my heart was destroyed. its taken me forever to get over him and still my heart craves his. but the thing is that i desire something that i never had. i want a feeling that i made up. illusions are the deaedliest thing because they feel so great that nothing in reality can even come close to it. that as soon as you realize it was fake. nothing is ever that good again. what is life? after all that happens, that question always comes back.
no matter what, i love my cookie.
|
|
| a drop of words |
[13 Jun 2005|08:03pm] |
|
The Lonely Heart
A single tear
... in a puddle of sorrow.
No love to hear
... and none to borrow.
Surrounded by fear
... never wanting the morrow.
|
|
| In the battles of love |
[06 Jun 2005|05:46pm] |
|
My Island of Tears
Strike me down with your mightiest hand!
Oh Lord! I cannot bear my agonizing heart anymore!
Shipwrecked on an island of false truth, no illusion is more deadly.
Gouge out my eyes, for my love is gone.
Tear off my lips, for all i can taste is his sweet poison.
Take hold of my voice, for all i can do is cry out his name.
Cut off my ears, for they can only hear his sweet, seductive whisper.
Deprive me of my skin, for it still tingles from his touch.
But most of all, I pray you rid me of my mangled heart.
For no matter how many oceans i cry, it still burns with bitter-sweet illsuion of what i thought i had.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
granulated's journal
pour a